I Want it All...

Today was the first day since moving to the Dominican Republic that I felt a twinge of loneliness.

It was one of those moments that I thought I desperately just wanted some quiet and solitude in all the chaos, but then as soon as I had it, I wished I didn't because the quiet just seemed TOO quiet. I heard it said once that loneliness is God's call for intimacy in our lives. I haven't been able to prove otherwise.
I guess I've just been running around the guesthouse, thinking that if I keep busy enough and work up enough sweat, I'll just absorb Jesus through Osmosis or something along the way. But all I really get are sore feet and little spiritual "teasers".
Everyday the team comes back from the campo or the clinic and I get to hear their stories. How many needs they were able to met, people they prayed with, miracles they witnessed, relationships that were formed and lives that were changed. It is incredible and I've been eating up all their spiritual morsels. But I've neglected my OWN "daily bread.
Here at the beginning of our life here in the DR I find myself continually thinking how I just want it all! I want to make deep, close friends here, I want to become "dominicana", I want to learn this culture and understand their needs, I want to love people- I want it all!

So this afternoon when Shane and Shane came up on my shuffle during some afternoon chores with their song titled "I Want it All", I found myself pulled into the words of the song. It was easy to belt out the chorus while I thought about all those things that I wanted, but the versus got to me. Especially the line, "To starve is to feast and less of me is more of you, Jesus- Lord, I want it all". Seems like a bit of an oxymoron, to say that I want  "less of me" and that "I want it all" in the same breath? Probably because all those things that I want have an underlying desire for MORE of me.

Calling myself a missionary right now feels mostly silly. I think "stubborn student who forgets to keep her eyes on Jesus while baking yummy cookies" would be a fitting title for today. So I'm thankful for the hint of lonliness today, especially if it means that Jesus is running after me and loves me still.